irritatingly_pink

New site

2005-02-13T14:41:00.000+08:00

hi piplets of God..
www.tabulas.com/~hanniyah is my new "blogsite" its not really blog blog but you know what i mean.
Its not so pink.. i still can't figure out how to change the template. i've tried but haay.. maybe you can help me.
see you there.

Conviction, Provision, Confession

2005-02-07T20:39:00.000+08:00

This was a really interesting day. I guess it just goes to show that when you offer everything to God and you let Him have your heart, ambilis ng conviction ni Lord pag may sin sa life mo..

My new work shift starts at 6am-2pm (i used to work with an 8-5pm shift). Anyway, since it was my first "official" on the floor day, I didn't want to be late. I set my alarm for 4:30am, but for some reason, I woke up at 5:30!! imagine? (lumabas ang pagka-isko ng bayan, nagwork ng walang ligo.. half-bath lang, but in fairness ha naligo ako ng gabi before natulog..hehe defensive!)anyway, my first word was "f*ck!" and then it hit me.. BOOM! As if ice cold water was splashed at me, I woke up and immediately said sorry to God. Good thing the Holy Spirit's not groggy at 5:30 a.m huh? And so it follows that i did not have my quiet time this morning (though I apologized to God ahead last night "fore seeing"{tama spelling?] I wouldn't be able to do it..), but guess what, God is good, He provided for a Christian speaker in our flag ceremony at the City Hall kanina. (yey! first time kong mag-flag raising kanina. btw, na-reinforce lang yung desire ko to serve this country sa mga vows sa flag na ginawa kanina at sa prayer ng city administrator namin.. but that's a different story). So in a way, I was able to somehow still start my work and my "official" day with God. God is good He provided many spare hours kanina, la masyadong calls and I was able to redeem the time with Him.
But the best part of the day came when I went home.. and yes, my patience with my brother is still undergoing major repairs by God right now. Anyway, a co-worker called me up to change shifts with me tomorrow (she worked on a 2-10pm shift), although she told me it was okay for me to refuse, i said i couldn't do it coz i had to watch over my niece (yes, LIE!) although i was just being the usual pinoy not wanting to say no directly and disappoint someone without the appropriate reason.. Honestly, i just didn't want to work 2-10 tomorrow then 6-2pm the next day. It was haggard. After hanging up, the conviction was there again..aaaaaaaaaaargghh! the Lord can be so stubborn. He wasn't just gonna accept my sorry, it wasn't a sin against Him. And so for the first time, I had to acknowledge to someone, who was probably unaware I had lied to her anyway, that i lied. I called 911 (and yes, it was an emergency alright! The Holy Spirit wouldn't stop pestering me about it.) and told her. She was quite shocked and said it was okay. It probably wasn't a biggie for her, but it certainly was for me. I sat for 10 minutes just staring at the phone before finding the courage to call. It felt nice. no, actually, it felt wonderful. As if God was smiling at me. And yes, to you who are reading this, you are now accountable for me. I have taken it to heart to live humbly. (errrr... with God's grace coz I definitely couldn't do it on my own). I've learned a lot these past few days spent with the Lord. I will no longer be a closet Christian, nor a silent one. I will be a radical, alive, energetic, humble, and beautiful child of God. And a joyful one too, no matter what circumstance.
God help me. :)

In the LIGHT

2005-02-04T18:52:00.000+08:00

Too much for this day.
Too much to think about.
Just wanting to be with My Savior,
And see if I've made Him proud.

We're all being molded.
It's funny how.
When I think I was growing
He breaks me anew.

Not to look at others
But just His heart
Learn that He is Sovereign
Trust that He is right.

In wanting to please Him
I look too far
I look at too many
When my reflection is what i needed to see

"Mold you, my child'"
That's what He whispered to me
"Your prayers are heard,
No need to fret.

I know your heart's desires
I know the fears
Even the unsaid
And unrecognized.

Rest in Me
And let Me mold You.
You have my full attention.
Yes, only You.

I love them too,
Don't you worry.
I'm working too, molding their hearts
Their walk, their ways.

Your prayers are heard
Trust that I care.
Know that I am God.
Even in this.

Mold you, change you.
Stop looking too far.
Look at yourself, yes, you.
It's between you and me.

Lift it up to Me now,
The burden that you feel.
You are not the Messiah.
Rest in my feet.

Let My voice and presence heal you
From the unnecessary pain
I know your intentions
Your efforts are not in vain.

Hush my child, I know.
Be vulnerable to My hands.
Be trusting in My plans.
I am Lord. I am your God."

And so shoulders sunk
I return home
To the feet of my Savior
And unburden my load.

He gives me a mirror
And then I see.
That because I've listened.
He too has molded me.

"KADA"

2005-02-02T15:24:00.000+08:00

tutoot tutoot
the familiar sound
of my cellphone beeping

the familiar rush
of excitement sweeping
as i check to see who it was

idealism shattered
my significance disregarded
i weep

the laughs
they were as hollow as i feared
the secrets
and cares were insincere

it mattered not that words
pierced my heart
after all
an apology would be enough

but surface smiles
and small talks
shout it outloud don't you see

you never truly mended me
i weep and wail
i must accept

but nevertheless
i stay waiting
until you finally see

when the world fades away
you'd still have me.

God's promise

2005-01-08T13:49:00.000+08:00

In search of my life and my one true love
I pray to Almighty God above
And His masterful voice
Directed me to the many things I was destined to do

And so I sailed across the seas
Pursued knowledge of the highest degree
Took to learning new skills,
Experience new thrills
Felt my life was completely fulfilled

After all of these my fancy quests
After proving myself by achieving success
I longed to find a price so rare
A priceless treasure beyond compare

See God promised He would bring me love
A love strong and true
And Behold my dear CHRISTian
He brought me to you...

The road i'm trekking

2005-01-05T20:25:00.000+08:00

i stand in a spot
with so many branches springing
ways that taunt me
with the promises of tomorrow

i look ahead
at each road's horizon
all of them
quite uncertain

where to go
which one to take
if only someone
would show me the way

i cry unto my God
He said to follow His voice
i listen and wait
i hear too many

i stand unfazed by the tauntings
unrattled by the tempations
each road to tomorrow
offers me

i stand in my fixed point
worried where God is wanting me
torn in half
in going and waiting

only if only God would talk a little louder
a little clearer
a little faster

i empty myself
today was a day wasted
if only i had listened
if only i could hear.

2005-01-05T20:09:00.000+08:00

i gaze in the mirror
a stranger stares back
i probe deeper, look longer
i see abyss

emptiness and apathy
tired of how everyday arrives and ends for me
i call out, i scream
people look but fail to see

i search for a friend
a hand to hold, an ear to listen
i search in vain, but i once again probe deeper
i come across more emptiness
my search is futile

i look in the mirror
who i have become in front of me
shallow ties among friends
not even enough to make it through the miles apart

no one is to blame for my loneliness
but the person staring back
i close my eyes and look again
i tell her as she dries her tears
tomorrow maybe they'll come.

Merry (?) Christmas

2004-12-28T14:45:00.000+08:00

First off, I want to greet everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Parang gasgas na noh? Christmas took a different turn for me and my family this year. First off, my brother and sister sang (as usual) in the Marco Polo hotel for their Simbang Gabi mass, but unlike the previous years before, my family wasn't whole when we attended mass.. of course my dad was sick so I guess that's an excuse. Secondly, we spent Christmas day at our farm amidst the durian, mango and coconut trees in a literally bahay kubo kahit munti with all the halaman that's sari sari... anyway, I don't know. I mean, Christmas when I was young was fun... people didn't complain for the lack of money, giving gifts was priority number one. Maybe I'm a little skewed here but it definitely didn't feel like Christmas to me. I know Christ was born that day and that enough was worth celebrating and being joyful.. but Christmas also meant something more for me. It meant time with my family, it meant forgetting all the problems that beset us everyday, it meant forgiving every one else we've offended, it meant time with long lost friends... I never had that. And now new year doesn't seem to be an event i want to look forward to..

Books to deepen one's walk or not

2004-12-15T16:34:00.000+08:00

Spiritual Warfare by Dean Sherman: the truth about our daily battle with the unseen world and in our daily walk as Christians.

Facts about Your Feelings. What every woman should know about her feelings By T. Cistern ( i believe, i'll check on it): this book gives insight on how God wants to mold our feelings and thoughts, our imaginations and whatever fantasies we have. It discusses why and what for God created our emotions and how we can take control of them and make them pleasing to God. Nice book not only for women but also for men.

God on God and other issues: This book is supposedly about a one on one interview with God and his stance on controversial issues i.e. premarital sex, actually sex talaga, euthenasia, deforestation, astrology etc. it also discusses angels and spirits, heaven and basically things you wanna ask God about. Personally, i find some entries disturbing, plus also the fact that there are rarely any bible references but some thoughts are insightful and worth brooding over.

Da Vinci's Code by Robert Brown: If you don't have your faith on sturdy grounds or if you're still a little uncertain of your beliefs, I personally wouldn't recommend this. The historical facts used in this novel are so intertwined with fiction that one would barely know the line between what's real and what the author made up. Even the secret society (Priori) composed of Da Vinci, Newton, etc that really existed before are discussed at a great length in this novel and Da Vinci's paintings and scholars' interpretations too. But its nice to read this novel also to be equipped once you cross someone who believes what is written here, tsaka to test na rin what you really believe and if you can stand up to your faith after the mind boggling what if's of this book. At one point though, personally i wanted to just throw the copy away.

The ONLY GUY who broke my heart, truly

2004-11-28T23:45:00.000+08:00

So where was I? Ah yep, about my weird day yesterday. Anyway,at about 3 pm, my brother and I had a fight, and it broke my heart, really that I hit him. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! i'll never forget that day i hit my brother. Anyway, it started out as a petty fight, older sister lecturing little brother, but it ended in a heart to heart talk about all the angsts in our hearts and a reassurance that I made the right decision about going home. I never tell my brother to shut up, to not reason with me. Unlike my older sisters, hindi ko sya binabawalang sumagot sakin. I express myself and my thoughts to just about everyone because I know that they mean something to me and I want my brother to do the same, for him to learn to stand up for the truth he believes in and for him to learn to humble himself if he is proven wrong. anyway, i was trying my hardest not to cry after i gave him a piece of my mind (but inside I just wanted to walk out and cry my heart out upstairs coz i made him cry), so i asked him why he won't speak up. I asked him if he was mad, he nodded. i commanded him to tell me why. and there, the floodgates of all the traumatic experiences that have accumulated over the years opened. While he was trying to speak in betwee sobs, i couldn't stop the tears from flowing. "Hindi mo lang alam gaano kahirap maging bunso. Mahirap gud (man) for me na maghiwalay mama at papa mo, tapos maiwan dito. Si Ate Kang may sarili ng pamilya, si Ate Koy wala palagi, ikaw nasa manila. Wala na nga akong papa at mama, ayoko rin naman mawalan ng ate. Ginatry ko man ang best ko ba. Hindi na nga ako bata pero wag nyo iexpect na ganon na ako katanda!" His words still ring in my head right now, every waking moment i'm alone. His eyes were so full of hurt, so full of confusion, betrayal, everything! He had spoken not only his mind out, but also his heart, and he broke my heart. I could only hold me, hush him from crying and tell him I was home, he wouldn't be alone anymore. I would never hit him again, no more older sister knows best... no more.
Its not easy to relate to my brother, the eight-year difference is just too much. But God has used that situation for us to connect. I had gone through that emotional turmoil when i was his age, with my sisters living with my grandparents and my parents' constant fighting, I had to fend for myself. Somehow, God had showed me how to reach out to my only brother, something i've always prayed for everynight. Now,we're more than just siblings, we were friends. We even made a schedule, 7:30-9:00pm was our study time together (his grades suck, swear!heheh) and from 9 onwards, we'd read and study the bible together, another answered prayer! (Hurray for God!)This schedule meant i'd have to give up my nightly laps at the pool or my coffee socials with my best bud, but my brother is worth more than that. And that night, I committed myself to God once more. I knew why He brought me home. I was to focus on HIM, My family and myself. no more, no less. I've given up all of my other committments, right now, my brother is the only guy in my life next to God. And that's the way its gonna be until God says its ok na.

The ONE and ONLY guy in MY LIFE>>>(1)

2004-11-28T23:28:00.000+08:00

Yesterday started and ended in a weird way, truly one cannot confine how God decides to work in our lives. As I was surfing through the channels, I ended up watching a pastor preach about committing to Christ, patience and a lot of other stuff in 30 minutes or less. I wished I had my notebook with me (which I stupidly gave to someone else..argh!) or even just a piece of paper to write his thoughts and lessons but I couldn't risk standing up and miss out on something. I do remember him saying that patience isn't one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and that all of us wish it were. I know for certain I wish God had given me tremendous amounts of patience, enough to last three lifetimes! He didn't say God will deliver us from trials, but rather God will deliver us THROUGH them. He reminded me I couldn't do it on my own efforts, committing to God and that God doesn't ask us to do it alone, but that God just wants a YES from our part, a yes to submit to HIM even with the knowledge that we couldn't do it. A yes that symbolizes a step of faith, an acknowledgement that we are human but with God nothing is impossible. I don't intend for this entry to be a sermon or to be this long, its just that his message just struck me so much, i really felt it wasn't a coincidence i crossed that channel.
Anyway, he said something about committments. He said that Peter committed himself to Jesus but ended up denying Jesus. Peter failed that test and he had to retake it again (read Acts). In the same way, once we commit ourselves to God, we should expect for God to test them... And if we fail, take it again until we pass. (Buti na lang mahilig sa removals si God bago mamigay ng 5). And if we find ourselves in a familiar or difficult situation we may have been in so many times before or not, we need to remind ourselves this is just a test, I don't want to take it again.
These testings produce patience. These tests from God strengthen our faith. It takes tremendous patience and faith to wait on God, especially if He's taking HIs time..and most often than not, I mess things up trying to cut in on God, thinking "Come on, Lord, speed it up." or "Okay, Lord, let me show you how its done". I'm sure we've all found ourselves in a similar situation, and the good thing about being God is that if we're stubborn, He's even more. And good for me, it's His will that will prevail in the end.

Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord

2004-11-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

For the first time in the three weeks that I got home, I went to church today. I know, I know, it took me quite awhile, not that I couldn't find a good church, I mean we have Victory and UCCP churches here, I don't know, I guess I was in my melancholic, drama-queen stage and i didn't feel like going to church. (yup, don't rely on your feelings!) anyway, so i went to UCCP today.(hoping to find Milky's mother) And i'm glad i did, although I was late. It was such a refreshing experience, yet quite dampening as well. Refreshing in a sense that I was hearing God's word (It's stewardship sunday) and most of the congregation was composed of people my age.. but dampening in a sense that the service reminded me so much of UPCYM, of CRL. Their choir was good and had a lot of members, the altos sing loudly and in tune (wehehehe). I missed everything. I missed how PK did his sermons, how he would cite his personal experiences as proof of God's existence. I missed SBF and hearing stories of how God worked in the everyday lives of my barkadas. And I almost couldn't stop the tears when their band came out to sing during the offertory. Their band didn't have a Kuya Bart equivalent (they didn't have drums) but they reminded me so much of the vespers band which i know is growing right now. They sang "open the eyes of my heart". Two guys, one girl. I suddenly missed Ian and Ben. I miss my friends. I miss UPCYM. But mostly, i miss being in a community of believers, one where you can be yourself, make mistakes and still people will remind you its ok, God still loves you. I miss sharing to people my blessings and concerns without getting a blank stare as if i'm talking in a different language.
God opened my heart to a lot of realizations during that service. I have resolved to be a good steward of the tasks he set before me (which i am doing another entry about), and have resolved to find myself a community. I can't sacrifice my growth as a believer just because I don't think i'll ever be comfortable in another community aside from UPCYM. I have resolved not to compare either.
I bless You, Lord. Thank you for opening the eyes of my heart and making me realiize its You I need, growing in You, being in You, living for You. And that You are not confined in UPCYM alone.

UPCYM. . .i miss.

2004-11-25T20:58:00.000+08:00

i have been away for i think three weeks now from QC. I haven't been texting and "catching" up with people about things... especially my closest friends, which kinda disappoints me coz la lang.. sad lang.. anyway, blog is supposed to be fun. it's supposed to be your site. where you express what otherwise you couldn't and wouldn't dare. but well, for some, it just hasn't been so. it's saddening that the devil can come up behind us so subtle that by the time we realize the damage he's influenced us to do, the hurt is irrevocable already. my prayers go out to my friends in manila. i pray for God's grace of forgiveness to reign in our hearts and for the real essence of love for one another to transpire in all our acts.

my most important lesson for this week has been to do what was right in God's eyes, nevermind yourself, nevermind losing people you love, nevermind straining relationships. God can fix them all. And before Satan has such a wide and deep grasp of UPCYM, my prayer is that we fight back, renounce, break the barriers... lift it to God, truly, fully. not just in our words, but in our works. not just through our mouth, but in our hearts.

i miss UPCYM very much. I know i have been missing a lot, especially its anniversary month. I miss singing for the Vespers band, i miss teaching sunday school, i miss hanging out with friends and goofing off, i even miss the teases about all my bloopers.. and i can't wait to visit this december, if God wills, but i would very much prefer if all the good things i missed were there, instead of the not so great things. but hey, every org has its strengths and weaknesses. But in our weakness, let us turn to God as our strength. if only someone from UPCYM had the patience to read this.

love you guys.

Being still and trusting He's God...

2004-11-20T18:12:00.000+08:00

I'm quite surprised people read my blog.

i had no idea my neice's birthday would elicit such a scandal in my family. as usual, the issue about money never ends. its too painful to elaborate right now. i am in so much pain for these past few days, actually ever since i got home. not much changed here since i left four years ago, and to be faced with the same fears, evils, frustrations and unchecked anger is just too much for me. during my quiet time today, i was surprised that God talked first before me. and he just said John 21:21 to 22. just follow. that my life was not to be judged according to the world's standards. that He was in control.

i ask myself sometimes, how does one keep still and trust God. it requires tremendous amounts of patience, but mostly of faith. i've always told myself that fear is the absence of faith in God.. and in as much as i deny it to myself, i am afraid. afraid that i do not know how to be still, how to wait on God. its a good thing He lets me lash out my anger at how things are at Him, its a great thing he doesn't forbid me to cry when things don't go the way i want them to, and to question him when i don't understand. And its a good thing right now, whatever is happening, He's teaching me how to be still. How to wait. How to trust. But aside from that how to ASK.

in the solitude of my room, with the lively music blasting from the speakers connected to the ipod, i let the tears fall and i run to arms of my Savior.

First loves do die.

2004-11-04T23:38:00.000+08:00

This is a weird entry, there’s just too much to say, to much to think about. Seeing Arnold in a coffin was… I have no idea what word would best express what I felt last night, the first time I saw him in a year and the last time I’ll ever see him. When I heard about his accident in Manila, I was aloof about it. Friends who knew our love story were worried about me, called me to console me… while I was in Puerto Galera with my current boyfriend (who, according to my Davao City friends, looked in so many ways like Arnold) and friends, having fun. Not that I did not grieve, I just mourned I guess. (or is it the other way around?) But when I saw the lights outside Cosmopolitan, the reality of his death sank in… I grew cold all over, I did not have the strength to go inside, much more look at his coffin. From afar, I could see the picture on top of his coffin. It was his JS Prom picture, he looked so handsome, his eyes were smiling, his whole face was radiant… that was the guy I knew, that was the guy I was reminiscing in my scrapbook just two days before his death.
After 30 minutes or more of being outside, friends urged me to go inside, to look at him. I was so choked up when I looked down. The right side of his face was bloated and his ear was stitched up. He looked older than 19. The tears started to fall and I couldn’t help but literally run outside for air and bawl over. He was my first love, my first boyfriend, the first guy I stood up for towards my family and friends… First everythings take up a special part in our hearts. For me, they’re the foundation of all the rest to come. I felt that I knew a part of Arnold that no one could ever and would ever know because I was his first love too. I can’t explain it. I just can’t… you’ll just have to get it I guess.
Of all the time my best friend, Flynna, had to leave, she had to choose to leave that time. And of all the people who had to find me and comfort me, it had to be Marian, Arnold’s present girlfriend. I didn’t know what she looked like, but she knew me. She went over and called me, introduced me to Arnold’s dad, talked about Arnold to me and their plans. It was awkward. I know she hurt more, after all, first love naman nya si Arjan, and four years na sila…but what I kept on remembering was what Arnold told me about her and the difference between what he felt for her and for me. I guess it’s that something about the first everythings I was talking about a while ago. The whole night was weird, being referred to as his ex, when I just wanted to be unnoticed or the least be referred to as his teammate.
I grieve because I do not know if he’s saved. I know he’s a great guy and he fears the Lord, but there’s a difference with believing in and with accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior. I will never know until I get to heaven myself. But his death was not at all that bad, because it was that experience that pressured me to reach out to my best friend, Art. The night before my flight to Davao, for the first time, Arthur asked about Jesus, believing, accepting him and his questions about homosexuality. Art said he was near that stage already, and PTL! It was also Arjot’s death that led me to meet with my former teammates and eventually led to sharing of the Gospel and the truth about life and death, where do we go and how we get there. These were the people I was hoping to start a BS group with, which they said they’ll think about it, but they were interested though.
I don’t know how to end this entry. I don’t think I did much justice to its beginning anyway. Death of a loved one is sad… but its so much sadder when they die unsaved. And Arnold’s death is pushing me, pressuring me to not let another loved one die without hearing God’s truth. I believe it should be with everyone also.